Dispatches from Suburbia

If I played an instrument, I would have a band called "The Simon Thomsen Sex Tape"; and other musings, rants, and disconnected ramblings.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

It Puts the Butter on the Skin; or, Screams from the Kitchen, part II

Quote of the Day: "However stuporous the lobster is from the trip home...it tends to come alarmingly to life when placed in boiling water. If you're tilting it from a container into a steaming kettle, the lobster will sometimes try to cling to teh container's sides or even to hook its claws over the kettle's rim like a person trying to keep from going over the edge of a roof."
-David Foster Wallace, "Consider the Lobster"

So I've already mentioned that I am cooking live lobster for Valentine's Day ("Screams from the Kitchen"), but it wasn't until recently that I realized that, since I will be cooking two lobsters, I'll have lots of fun opportunities.

I considered making one watch the other boil to death, just so I could see if it reacts. Then I thought maybe I could make them fight and tell them the winner will be allowed to live. Then I'd cook them both anyway, despite the winner. He's a cruel, mysterious God, the winner will thing as a dunk him into the boiling water.

I wouldn't have to boil them both if they were were cheaper. Then I could buy three lobsters and actually allow one to go free. Then he'd take off and soon die in the hot Albuquerque sun. As he dies on the pavement, this lobster's momentary joy from being set free will soon wear away and he'll think, What a cruel, mysterious God.

I mentioned to a coworker that these were my fantasies. He told me I should talk like Buffalo Bill when I eat the lobster: "It puts the butter on the skin or else it gets the hose again." Then I could tuck my genitals in and dance about in costume made from lobster skins.

I don't know, maybe I'll actually think they're cute when I bring them home. In that case I'll have to remove the rubber bands from their claws, so that they feel that they actually have a chance. Then I'll boil them and enjoy my dinner.


At 6:41 PM, Blogger Beth said...

Seriously - you have a warped mind when it comes to the anticipation of cooking these suckers. But, my god, you're funny. (Does this mean I'm warped too?)
(And I'm still laughing at the snail joke from January 27th - yeah, I read that far...)

At 7:40 PM, Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

I think I'd be freaked out if someone tried to make me eat a lobster. I went to my university's annual "crawfish boil" a few years ago. There, I spent $10 so that I could have a heap of little bodies placed before me. Someone tried to show me how to eat them, but it was far too bizarre and I just considered my $10 a donation to higher education.

At 8:02 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

"I considered making one watch the other boil to death, just so I could see if it reacts."

What is wrong with me? I actually want you to do this. I need help.

At 9:43 PM, Blogger Dorky Dad said...

Eating lobster always makes me feel particularly carnivorous. Tasty stuff, but I always end up grunting throughout my meal.

At 10:45 PM, Blogger Danny Tagalog said...

Lovely food, but the thought of boiling them alive isn't a good one. Imagine the terror the other will feel, or will it feel any sympathy or allegiance?

Still, please report on how it all pans out!

At 8:19 AM, Blogger Trish said...

I love lobster when it is presented to me already on a dish preferably in alfredo sauce with pasta...the boiling thing is just too Jeffrey Dahmer. And not only that you have to rip it's little legs and claws off to get to the tasty stuff. I can't do it.

Thanks for coming by my blog...I'll have to take a look around here too.

At 2:18 PM, Blogger Steven Novak said...

"I considered making one watch the other boil to death, just so I could see if it reacts."

Hollleeeeee crap....

I am soooooooo doing this!! ;)


At 3:15 PM, Blogger Erik Donald France said...

Can anything lobster beat the scene in Annie Hall?

I shall return to your earlier posts! On the fly -- cheers!

At 3:26 PM, Blogger JR's Thumbprints said...

They say serial killers start by killing small animals--including lobsters.

Song of the day: "Rock Lobsters" by the B-52's.

At 9:09 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

When I became a vegetarian eons ago, lobster was the last to go. I love it, but couldn't stand boiling them to death.

And it's even worse when you go to a restaurant and make friends with your lobster while it's still in the tank. Then, 20 minutes later, they bring it to you, dead on a plate with drawn butter, lemon wedges and a bib.

You have the makings of an arbitrary, mysterious god, though. Is there any other kind, really?


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