It Puts the Butter on the Skin; or, Screams from the Kitchen, part II

Quote of the Day: "However stuporous the lobster is from the trip home...it tends to come alarmingly to life when placed in boiling water. If you're tilting it from a container into a steaming kettle, the lobster will sometimes try to cling to teh container's sides or even to hook its claws over the kettle's rim like a person trying to keep from going over the edge of a roof."
-David Foster Wallace, "Consider the Lobster"

So I've already mentioned that I am cooking live lobster for Valentine's Day ("Screams from the Kitchen"), but it wasn't until recently that I realized that, since I will be cooking two lobsters, I'll have lots of fun opportunities.

I considered making one watch the other boil to death, just so I could see if it reacts. Then I thought maybe I could make them fight and tell them the winner will be allowed to live. Then I'd cook them both anyway, despite the winner. He's a cruel, mysterious God, the winner will thing as a dunk him into the boiling water.

I wouldn't have to boil them both if they were were cheaper. Then I could buy three lobsters and actually allow one to go free. Then he'd take off and soon die in the hot Albuquerque sun. As he dies on the pavement, this lobster's momentary joy from being set free will soon wear away and he'll think, What a cruel, mysterious God.

I mentioned to a coworker that these were my fantasies. He told me I should talk like Buffalo Bill when I eat the lobster: "It puts the butter on the skin or else it gets the hose again." Then I could tuck my genitals in and dance about in costume made from lobster skins.

I don't know, maybe I'll actually think they're cute when I bring them home. In that case I'll have to remove the rubber bands from their claws, so that they feel that they actually have a chance. Then I'll boil them and enjoy my dinner.