Dispatches from Suburbia

If I played an instrument, I would have a band called "The Simon Thomsen Sex Tape"; and other musings, rants, and disconnected ramblings.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Dear Spiderman: Thanks for the Moves!

Quote of the Day: "Just once, I want to hear a black man say, 'Today I got on an elevator, and there was a Jew there, and I got really scared.'"
-Gilbert Gottfried

Kim works in a middle school. Yesterday, she came home looking completely flustered--it had obviously been a rough day. "Oh my God," she said, plopping down on the couch, "one of my students got fingered at school today. She's been expelled."

I just laughed. I remembered one of the scandals at my middle school being almost exactly the same thing. A girl got fingered in class. A male classmate simply reached over and slid his hand into her overalls and the rest is Hoover Middle School history. Apparently it's a common trend: 12- and 13-year-olds engaging in foreplay. At the time, I was still terrified of the opposite sex, so the whole situation totally blew my mind.

(By the way, ladies, I apologize for the use of "finger" as a verb in this post. But let's face it--that's how young men talk.)

Anyway, when I was in my early teens, I remember a classmate explaining his own method. He almost sounded scientific as he explained that one mustn't use their forefinger and middle finger, which is apparently a common mistake. "The rest of the hand gets in the way," he said. "You need to use these fingers." He wiggled his two middle fingers.

"Oh," I said, "like Spiderman."

After we graduated high school, this lively individual went on to permanently damage his brain with a heroin overdose. Also since graduation, I've had friends in and out of rehab, and two or three classmates have died, all in their later teens and early twenties. Others have become parents (I'm happy for them though) and some are, more than likely, in prison. In a way, all of this makes me yearn for those days of middle school, a time when vaginas scared the shit out of me, and the biggest scandal was a little classroom fingering.


At 7:47 PM, Blogger Erik Donald France said...

Good Lord -- and that was the conservative school you went to?

Scary movie -- 13. I much prefer adults as students (the older the better), though currently teach teens, as well.

At 8:35 PM, Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Wow -- this brings me back! Yikes on ever going back to Robert E. Lee Middle School -- the pain, the pain!


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