Dispatches from Suburbia

If I played an instrument, I would have a band called "The Simon Thomsen Sex Tape"; and other musings, rants, and disconnected ramblings.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

The Hermaphrodite Next Door

"Strange eyes fill strange rooms."
-The Doors, "Strange Days"

I'm going to try once again to post about the hermaphrodite from my old neighborhood. Hopefully this time I won't stray from the draft and lose it like I did last time.

Anyway, my old neighborhood was the area surrounding UNM, a neighborhood lovingly referred to as the "student ghetto," an area comprised of older, smaller houses and makeshift apartments. My own apartment was a tiny box shoddily attached to the back of a house. I shared the backyard with Curt, the man that rented out the house, and two other people that live in two more apartments surrounding the yard. Strangely enough, Curt, a bearded carpenter with dark curly hair, looked very much like Jesus. But this post isn't about Curt, it's about Greg, the hermaphrodite that eventually moved in next door, along with his schizophrenic wife.

This neighborhood seemed so strange at times that sometimes it felt like some kind of cosmic practical joke. This feeling, the idea that the joke's on me, intensified when Curt befriended the hermaphrodite, and I'd leave the house to find Greg in the driveway, with his frizzy bangs, his tie-dyed muscle shirt, his apron and a tool belt. He'd often be working on Curt's car or inviting himself over to use my grill in the backyard, whether or not Curt was with him. Once, I found him wining and dining an entire family on my back porch, and I wondered just how he got the impression that he could wander into my backyard whenever he wanted. Greg had his own backyard, overgrown with weeds, so I guess he preferred mine, which I kept looking quite pleasing. Still, I'm a generous guy, but I have to draw the line somewhere. All the time spent in my backyard he could have used to clean up his own.

Quite often, I heard yelling from next door, fights that Greg said resulted from his wife's extreme case of paranoid schizophrenia. These fights usually ended with police cars at the curb and Greg in tears.

Anyway, Greg often wore sandals, showing off his pedicured toenails, usually painted silver, but other than that he seemed all male, with his large build, his wide shoulders, and his deep voice. But I learned much more about him when my father visited me and ended up joining Greg for drinks on my porch. After a vodka tonic, Greg volunteered far more information than I would ever ask for.

"Most hermaphrodites are mostly one gender and just a bit of the other," he explained, "but the ones like me are very rare. I'm 50/50, half male half female." He went on to tell us that he cries often, that it hurts him to shave his face. But it didn't end there.

"God has blessed hermaphrodites with an extra gift," he said. According to Greg, God had given him psychic powers. "I've even had police approach me to help solve crimes," he said.

It gets even more strange, so off the wall that I looked around my backyard, waiting for the crew from Candid Camera to jump out and laugh at me. Instead, Greg stood up and went on. He pointed to his chest. "I've even got breasts."

To me, they only looked like pecs beneath his tight muscle shirt, but when he gently tapped the bottom of these pecs with the tips of his fingers, they jiggled. Greg had real boobs.

"This one time," he continued, "this woman and I were getting intimate. So she started suckin' on my nipples and whatnot, and then she got something wet on her lips. I was lactating." He sipped his vodka tonic. "Yep, I lactate."

It was then that I sensed God's presence. I think he looked directly at me from the clouds, and I almost felt a rumble as God laughed heartily and said, "Gotcha."


At 1:55 PM, Blogger thethinker said...

Wow. That's crazy.

Sometimes, people just don't know when to stop sharing personal details.

At 2:09 PM, Blogger Lucas Pederson said...

I agree with thethinker. SOme people are just plain crazy. By the way Bird, I noticed you stopped by Stewart Sternberg's blog and commented about the story he wrote about the dog and the donkey. Just to let you know, the original is on my blog, his is a variation of it. I thought it would be fun to have folks try their own version of the story, which Stewart's is amazing. You should give it a try too. What can it hurt?

At 6:50 PM, Blogger Stewart Sternberg said...

I love gender craziness...I love it. That is a great story..freaky...but great.

And I see I'm going to have to reel in lucas.

Seriously, a great story. This is what you were going to post the other day that somehow got deleted? It was worth the wait.

At 7:58 PM, Blogger Dorky Dad said...

Fantastic. I think, if you ever write about that part in your life, you should call it "My Life with Jesus and the Lactating Hermaphrodite."

At 1:15 AM, Blogger ShadowFalcon said...

Oh you poor dear I think I would have died laughing even though I know I shouldn't

I've never met a hermaphrodite and I'm hoping that if I do they don't show me thier breast, I've got my own thank you.

At 1:24 AM, Blogger Danny Tagalog said...

He seems quite adjusted bearing in mind what mother nature dealt him. School must have been hellish circa puberty. Yuk.

At 3:22 AM, Blogger JR's Thumbprints said...

It also been rumoured that Jamie Lee Curtis is a hermaphrodite. Speaking of this topic, have you read "Middlesex" yet?

At 6:53 AM, Blogger Erik Donald France said...

Speaking of Middlesex, Eugenides went to school (in the 70s) where I have my day job. He's listed in an old directory so I checked out his house on Middlesex, which is also a double entendre for his hermaphrodite character. All kind of eerie, including the schizophrenic wife. I would have been a bit creeped out, too.

At 7:06 AM, Blogger Sheila said...

Oh my God that is soooo crazy! Glad you decided to write it after what happened to your draft! hehe If I met a hermaphrodite and they told me details and wanted to show me... I don't know what I would do. Maybe pass out... maybe laugh... maybe look at them and say, well how the hell does that happen? great post!

At 7:20 AM, Blogger Bird on a Wire said...

There is an episode of "House" that kind of answers your question "how the hell does that happen?" I'm no doctor, but it has to do with the idea that we are all originally female in the uterus, only with males the testes eventually drop. With hermaphrodites, I guess it never happens or it only happens partially. Or something like that. House explains it better, an the show even includes an animation.

At 10:05 AM, Blogger Steven Novak said...

I got nothin. ;)


At 10:46 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

I need a moment. I think I'm going to be ill from the lactating part.

At 4:21 PM, Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

I'm new to reading this blog, so pardon my perhaps stupid questions. Maybe you've answered these in other posts.

1) if he had real boobs, wouldn't he need to wear a bra? And if so, they wouldn't really jiggle when he bounced them. I find fault with his "evidence."
2) This isn't a question so much as a quizzical statement. I'm 100% female. With real boobs. I don't even lactate randomly during sex.

I'm so confused.

At 6:19 PM, Blogger Bird on a Wire said...

I dunno. All I can say is this. I'm male, and my "breasts" do not jiggle. Greg was not overweight, which would explain the jiggle. I don't know exactly what would require a bra, nor do I know much about lactating. His breasts were not large or anything, they just jiggled more than what they should have. Good questions, though. Now I wish I'd mustered up the courage to ask him. Maybe he was full of crap about the lactating.


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