Dispatches from Suburbia

If I played an instrument, I would have a band called "The Simon Thomsen Sex Tape"; and other musings, rants, and disconnected ramblings.

Monday, December 18, 2006

"A Christmas Story"...starring Simon Thomsen

"I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!"
-A Christmas Story

This weekend, Kim and I will be attending a stage production of A Christmas Story. This is cool, because Kim has never seen the film (I have a feeling that I happen to be living with the only person on earth who hasn't seen A Christmas Story.)

I, on the other hand, grew up with the film. Recently, my friend Brian, who also grew up with the film (who hasn't, besides Kim?), admitted to me that he always thought that I was Ralphie. Blond hair, glasses--I'd never thought of this, but he's right: The young Simon looked very much like Ralphie. Hell, when I'm clean shaven I still look like him.

Maybe that's why I've always enjoyed the film. I was, I am, Ralphie. I'm the child with wild fantasies and irrational Christmas wishes. For a while, I wanted a BB gun, but never got one. A few years ago, my little brother finally obtained one. Within five minutes of getting a hold of it, I shot out a window.

So maybe I didn't really need a BB gun, and neither did Ralphie, but he and I shared those sames dreams of saving others from vicious bandits (Ralphie's fantasies had a cowboy flavor, while mine involved more of a G.I. Joe theme). It's not like I'm alone with this hero complex--I'm sure most young boys imagine themselves as rescuers. I still do. When I'm at work, I often imagine myself foiling a hold-up. That's on the slow days.

As youngsters, Brian and I used to carve popsicle sticks into points and tape them, pointing up, to the cinder-block wall surrounding our parent's backyard. The yard became our fortress, and we were the protectors, though if we faced any real threat we probably would have wet ourselves. Chances are, if there were to be an armed hold-up at my place of employment, I'd have that same reaction.

Or maybe I wouldn't. I could be a hero, I suppose. I work in a kitchen, and we have plenty of knives. I'm not a violent person, but it's not like a robber would know that. I'd just have to sneak up behind him, let him know that I have a knife, and instruct him to gently set the gun on the counter. I'd have to take my glasses off first, though, so I look tougher. I could be like Samuel L. Jackson at the end of Pulp Fiction, playing it cool because I've had "a moment of clarity" and I happen to be "in a transitional period" and I'm carrying a "BAD MOTHER FUCKER" wallet.

Fuck that. This guy has a gun, and I've got a dull knife. I'd rather wet my pants.


At 7:57 PM, Blogger Laura said...

I love the movie A Christmas Story. Actually, I like practically all the Christmas movies. It puts me in a holiday mood.

At 8:01 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

"You just happened to meet me in a transitional period of my life..." is one of my all time favorite lines.

At 8:51 PM, Blogger Dorky Dad said...

I more or less spend the equivalent of three days during the holiday season watching that movie. And I was one of only three people in the US who saw that movie in the THEATER. Awesome.

At 12:38 AM, Blogger ShadowFalcon said...

Your not the only one, I've never even hear of that movie until Michael C mentioned it...I felt so left out but know I know I'm not alone.

p.s You been tagged!

At 8:39 AM, Blogger Helen said...

Oh, I love a good Christmas film. (Movie, whatever). There are so many Christmas films on at the moment, I don't have enough time to watch them all.

At 1:10 PM, Blogger Sheila said...

I love Christmas movies! They are great. My favorite is White Christmas. The only one I don't really like is Miricle on 34th street. I don't know why... I just can't stand that one.

At 10:09 PM, Blogger JR's Thumbprints said...

My favorite Christmas movie has to be "Bad Santa" with Billy Bob Thorton. His sidekick elf cracks me up.


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